Love in the Time of No Time

- What was your initial emotional response?
I have never tried online dating, but as I was reading this, I really reflected on how my growth and development has been affected by the internet. I participate in vagabond culture, in which I see a lot of the people in my life come and go with frequency, so the internet has been very important to me in maintaining romantic and platonic friendships. My first relationship was in the 9th grade, and took place almost exclusively over the internet, although Ross and I had 4 classes together. Both of us were unsure of ourselves, having spent little time with members of the opposite sex, and the internet was a place where we could express our budding emotions through the safety of a computer screen, not having to deal with the other person's reactions in real life. I think that a huge problem with internet courtship is that people are not really held accountable for their actions, because of distance and lack of mutual social networks. It is so easy for someone to neglect a relationship without having to face any serious social consequences for their actions. And it is also difficult to know how to greive a relationship that has taken place primarily over the internet. My most serious relationship was long distance, and when my partner broke up with me I didn't know how to get over it. None of my friends could console me because they couldn't really speak to Larkin's character, and it hurt even more to know that I would probably never see him again. Then one day I was over him, it was if he vanished from my memory. I had no sense of place with which to connect him, besides a computer screen, staring at my wall during hours of phone conversations, and Wolf Creek Radical Faerie Sanctuary, which has become so hazy in my mind that it has elevated itself to somewhat mythical proportions.

This isn't to say that e-dating is all bad. If I find myself single, or desiring additional sex partners when I am a bit older, I won't hesitiate to use it. Right now it is so easy to make friends through college, volunteering, social events, but I know that as you gets older it gets more difficult. There are so many people out there, what are the chances that you are going to meet your perfect someone by chance? I know many couples my mother's age who have met on an internet dating site, but she refuses to try it because of the social stigma attached. Of course, there is always the issue of safety. I think that "scare stories" are overrepresented in the media, but they still exist. People should make sure to take serious precautions when they meet up with someone they have met online. I have to say that the closest thing I have tried to internet dating is couchsurfing.com, a social networking site for travellers who need a place to sleep. I have had nothing but fabulous experiences on this site, and would reccomend it to anyone. I have never felt unsafe or uncomfortable.

- Do you believe that online dating is detrimental to the more conservative forms of courtship our society has practiced in the past?
I think that a lot of things are detrimental to "courtship," and I think that internet dating has greatly contributed. But is that such a bad thing? Traditional courtship doesn't work for everyone. It should be one of many options available to people

- In your opinion, is online dating socially accepted or “underground”?
I think it totally depends on the community. I would say it is much more socially acceptable with the older and divorced crowd, since social options are more limited when most of your friends are getting married and couples are the primary social group. I also think it is more accepted in the gay community, especially in small towns where limited prospects call for desperate measures, or where meeting in public could be considered dangerous.

- Do you think online dating works?
It works for some people, it doesn't work for others.

I have definitely participated in hook-up culture, and some of what was said rang true, although my experience was a bit different. Most of the people who were interviewed were college freshmen. I would say that my experience as a college freshmen was similar to these girls: defining feminism as both sexes being able to equally "use" each other. At the end of my Junior year (two years ago), I was introduced to the process of deliberate consent. I consider the three main tenants of consent to be (1) holding myself responsible for voicing my wants and needs (2) creating a safe space where my partner feels comfortable voicing their wants and needs and (3) being attuned to my partner's body language. Sex became not a struggle for power but a space for mutual support and healing. The ideas of sex in our culture are so messed up, if people see even consensual sex as a game of power, no wonder one in four women and one in six men will be sexually assaulted in their lifetimes. I feel like I have had the best of both worlds for the past few years. I was in a year-long polyamorous relationship, maintaining a deep connection with my partner while forming connections with others, some of which led to lasting friendships. I think it is important to be able to take sexuality out of the context of a relationship, which is what these girls are doing. I think so many people put relationships in a different category than friendship. I mentor a group of teenage girls, and they told me yesterday that they don't think its important for people in a relationship to have anything in common. Its the "feeling" that matters. That "feeling" is going to last for about two years, and you are going to be stuck raising a family with someone you have nothing in common with. In my experience, the people who abstained from sex got married way younger, and the first of them are already starting to get divorced. Sex is definitely important in a relationship, but at the end of the day its a primal, bodily urge. It should not be confused with the mentally challenging and exhausting task of forming a lasting partnership. In an ideal world, I would raise children (if I choose to have children) with my best friend, or in a community, and have lovers on the side. That seems much more practical than basing your life partner around sexual attraction. As far as these girl's isolation, their lack of "discernment, empathy, and patience," I think this is a symptom of our society at large, not just of sex "without attachment." I think it is great that these girls seem to have developed better self-confidence (although the feminist's wistful sighing at the end suggests otherwise.) It is so important that women learn to express their sexuality on their own terms. If they choose to abstain from sex until they find "the one," awesome. If they choose to have a ton of partners, good for them. They should be supported in their decision, and given the tools they need to make smart choices.