Another family

I chose to interview Adina Anhalt, a childhood friend who was raised by Christian missionaries but converted to Orthodox Judiasm in her early twenties. She is married to her husband, Josef, and has no children.

- Why did you choose this family?-
I chose this family because I couldn't imagine having a life where everything was dictated by a religion where men had to pray everyday "Lord, thank you for not making me a woman." However, I have been interested in learning more about Judaism and Adina seemed really happy with her life. I wanted to know what it was about.

How did your family differ from the family you chose to interview?-
I was raised in a religious household, but it did not dicate everything I did. It did not set me apart from other children, like Adina's religion sets her apart from other people. (She says she gets odd stares in the supermarket for wearing a shawl and long sleeves in the Arkansas summer.) I also did not perceive my family strucutre to be sexist, although I believe that this was a misinterpretation because Judaism empowers women in a lot of ways, and the traditional American family structure disempowers women in a lot of ways. Adina and Josef are in a different financial situation than I was growing up. They are trying hard to scrape by and were forced to move back to Arkansas because Phoenix was so expensive. We were raised in similar financial situations, but their children will probably be less financially stable because Josef's job doesn't pay as well and Adina's religion prevents her from getting a higher education. Also, her family differed from mine in that she sees the Orthodox community as an extention of her family, wheras I felt like I grew up feeling like the nuclear family should be my primary support network.

Was it difficult finding a family different from your own? Why do you think it was difficult?-
Well, we tend to be around people of our same social status, so I guess it was sort of difficult. My first choice of family was a polyamorous couple who live in a commune in Oregon and are raising their children communally. This is about as different from the way I was raised as I can think of, but I could not get a hold of them. Adina and I had similar childhoods, but the family that she has chosen from herself was very different than the one that I have chosen for myself.

What were the obstacles you faced while preparing your interview, conducting the interview, and then writing your paper?-
I wanted to ask difficult questions without probing too much or sounding judgemental. I think that the most difficult question to ask was about how the values she holds now are different from the way she was raised. She did not delve too much in to her family's reaction to her conversion, but answered the question adequitely. Overall, the interview went quite smoothly and was quite comfortable. It was nice to catch up with her.

Sociologists base much of their data collection on interviews just like the one you have conducted. How does this process affect the way you see sociology as a social science? How does it compare/contrast to other sciences?
I got a degree in soc/anthro, and much of my final project in college was interviewing families. This is what I absolutlely love to do, and I was happy to be able to do it again. I believe that this differs from "hard" science in that everything is subjective. I can only comapre Adina's family to my family, there is no absolute "right" model of a family that I had to compare to. However, "hard" sciences are also subject to cultural relativity. People were using Darwin's theory of evolution as an exuse to sterilize minorities not 6o years ago! Sociologists are able to take this atrocious practice and study it within a cultural context to see why people would have believed that and what that means for the state of race today. I believe it is always important to combine what are considered both "hard" and "soft" sciences in order to acheive an optimal answer. Medical anthropology is a good example of this.

Reading this article was like listening to the debate that I have with myself every day

It seems like there have been so many articles in the newspaper and in magazines and in NPR lately about the fact that parents are less happy than non-parents. Its the topic of the day. I was pretty surprised to hear about these studies when they first came out, and they made me seriously re-consider my need to have children. Here's the problem: I am obsessed with motherhood and want to catch babies for a living (midwives call it "catching" babies because obviously we don't birth them, that's the mother's job) I remember one of the first mothers that I interviewed for my final project in college. Her name was Heather. She lived in the forest with her 4 year old daugther, Violet, and had an incredibly deep love for her child. The quote that stuck with me from her interview is: "I came to the understanding of [motherhood] as a rite of passage in to womanhood and a complete sacrifice of ego." This is what I want to experience. But I value my freedom more than anything. And I know that I can hardly take care of myself. Will I ever be able to take care of a child? I like one thing that the NPR segment on these studies said: Its a better indicator to ask people not whether they are happier, but whether or not they would do it again. Most parents say they would do it again if they were given the chance. The author argued that there were things more important in life than happiness.

The article states that the media gives us the idea that raising a child is the best thing ever. I can't really think of a specific time that I have heard this, but it is definitely an idea I have been raised with. I think people are just scared to talk about how difficult raising a child is. They don't want to seem like terrible parents, so they focus on the good aspects of parenting when talking to their friends. Of course people complain about late night feedings and whatnot, but they always seem to do it with a simle. They never want to give off the impression that they are less than satisfied with parenting.

I think it can be most difficult to develop yourself as a human being while attending to the needs of a kid. When people have kids, their whole social life often becomes wrapped up in parenting. When people ask you how you are, you often talk about how your kids are. You just get stretched too thin and have little time for yourself if you are providing for the financial and emotional needs of your children. I think that one thing that I will do when/if I become a parent is I will be sure to tell my kids how I am feeling. (Most of the time, anyway.) Kids need to view their parents as fellow humans, not just as caretakers. I think that this will help them develop empathy at a young age.

I think that parenthood should be something that is entered in to only when parents know what they are getting themselves in to. It isn't fair for children to be raised by parents who are resentful of them because they had no idea how hard parenting was going to be. I think we would have happier, more well adjusted families if people only had kids when/if they really, really wanted to, not to fill some cultural obligation. It is important for me to be friends with people who have children so I will get an idea of what it is like. I even acted as an "apprentice mom" for a friend who needed help with her kids for a week while her mom was out of town. I wish that we have more intergenerational friendships so we would actually be prepared for the obstacles of life in general.

In my line of work, I have had some experience with single, teenage moms. I believe that the children of single or teenage parents should have every oppurtunity that children of two parents home have, and more often than not, this involves financial assistance so the parent is able to devote a significant amount of time raising their child. As a feminist, I know that the burden most often falls on the woman, and I think that single parent assistance, as well as child support enforcement, is simply a step towards gender equity. We must also remember that women make about 73 cents for every man's dollar, making it even harder for women to raise children on their own. However, I have also seen that this government assistance often gives teen moms a sense of entitlement. I think they should continue to get assistance, because a child should never be punished for the actions of a parent, but they should be given special incentives and motivation to finish high school and get a higher education.

Moving In?

Wow, the facts don't lie. This article will definitely make me reconsider living with someone before marriage or a serious committment. I did like how it went in to the reasons for this. There are a number of factors, namely, the casualness of it all. Its so easy to recognize how someone would move in casually with someone and then get "stuck" when they have joint bills to pay and a cat (or a kid) and you can't remember who bought what tupperware and all the other stuff that goes along with living together. Its especially easy in the gay/lesbian community, since society doesn't take our relationships seriously, its more difficult for us to take our own relationships seriously (I say this tounge and cheek, there are so many people out there, myself included, who are looking outside dominant societal narratives for validation of our relationships.) But for real, it does mess with you pyschologically when you aren't allowed to get married because of the gender of your partner. I think it can really mess with the perameters of a relationship. There's that running joke, "what does a lesbian bring on the second date? A U-haul." Its really difficult to distinguish between "roommate" and "lover" sometimes in the lesbian community. I don't have a ton of personal experience, but there was a time that I basically moved in from my girl?boy?guhboy?friend (its hard for me to say because he started identifying as male right after we broke up, and plans on going on T and getting top surgery and the whole nine yards. Its funny, both of us went from being in a lesbian relationship to being heterosexual right after we broke up. He changed his sex and I changed my orientation...but thats neither here nor there...) Anyway, we moved in together until I could move out of my old house. It was such a terrible idea. We went from newly budding romance to old couple in like 5 seconds flat. And right before we broke up, he started getting tense about me invading his space. It would be so awkward if I had no other place to go. It would have just escalated things. So yeah, I think that moving in should be preceeded by a serious committment. Yeah, it might be a good idea as a trial run before marriage, but should never be "oh...I don't want to find a new place. Let's move in together!"

Love in the Time of No Time

- What was your initial emotional response?
I have never tried online dating, but as I was reading this, I really reflected on how my growth and development has been affected by the internet. I participate in vagabond culture, in which I see a lot of the people in my life come and go with frequency, so the internet has been very important to me in maintaining romantic and platonic friendships. My first relationship was in the 9th grade, and took place almost exclusively over the internet, although Ross and I had 4 classes together. Both of us were unsure of ourselves, having spent little time with members of the opposite sex, and the internet was a place where we could express our budding emotions through the safety of a computer screen, not having to deal with the other person's reactions in real life. I think that a huge problem with internet courtship is that people are not really held accountable for their actions, because of distance and lack of mutual social networks. It is so easy for someone to neglect a relationship without having to face any serious social consequences for their actions. And it is also difficult to know how to greive a relationship that has taken place primarily over the internet. My most serious relationship was long distance, and when my partner broke up with me I didn't know how to get over it. None of my friends could console me because they couldn't really speak to Larkin's character, and it hurt even more to know that I would probably never see him again. Then one day I was over him, it was if he vanished from my memory. I had no sense of place with which to connect him, besides a computer screen, staring at my wall during hours of phone conversations, and Wolf Creek Radical Faerie Sanctuary, which has become so hazy in my mind that it has elevated itself to somewhat mythical proportions.

This isn't to say that e-dating is all bad. If I find myself single, or desiring additional sex partners when I am a bit older, I won't hesitiate to use it. Right now it is so easy to make friends through college, volunteering, social events, but I know that as you gets older it gets more difficult. There are so many people out there, what are the chances that you are going to meet your perfect someone by chance? I know many couples my mother's age who have met on an internet dating site, but she refuses to try it because of the social stigma attached. Of course, there is always the issue of safety. I think that "scare stories" are overrepresented in the media, but they still exist. People should make sure to take serious precautions when they meet up with someone they have met online. I have to say that the closest thing I have tried to internet dating is couchsurfing.com, a social networking site for travellers who need a place to sleep. I have had nothing but fabulous experiences on this site, and would reccomend it to anyone. I have never felt unsafe or uncomfortable.

- Do you believe that online dating is detrimental to the more conservative forms of courtship our society has practiced in the past?
I think that a lot of things are detrimental to "courtship," and I think that internet dating has greatly contributed. But is that such a bad thing? Traditional courtship doesn't work for everyone. It should be one of many options available to people

- In your opinion, is online dating socially accepted or “underground”?
I think it totally depends on the community. I would say it is much more socially acceptable with the older and divorced crowd, since social options are more limited when most of your friends are getting married and couples are the primary social group. I also think it is more accepted in the gay community, especially in small towns where limited prospects call for desperate measures, or where meeting in public could be considered dangerous.

- Do you think online dating works?
It works for some people, it doesn't work for others.

I have definitely participated in hook-up culture, and some of what was said rang true, although my experience was a bit different. Most of the people who were interviewed were college freshmen. I would say that my experience as a college freshmen was similar to these girls: defining feminism as both sexes being able to equally "use" each other. At the end of my Junior year (two years ago), I was introduced to the process of deliberate consent. I consider the three main tenants of consent to be (1) holding myself responsible for voicing my wants and needs (2) creating a safe space where my partner feels comfortable voicing their wants and needs and (3) being attuned to my partner's body language. Sex became not a struggle for power but a space for mutual support and healing. The ideas of sex in our culture are so messed up, if people see even consensual sex as a game of power, no wonder one in four women and one in six men will be sexually assaulted in their lifetimes. I feel like I have had the best of both worlds for the past few years. I was in a year-long polyamorous relationship, maintaining a deep connection with my partner while forming connections with others, some of which led to lasting friendships. I think it is important to be able to take sexuality out of the context of a relationship, which is what these girls are doing. I think so many people put relationships in a different category than friendship. I mentor a group of teenage girls, and they told me yesterday that they don't think its important for people in a relationship to have anything in common. Its the "feeling" that matters. That "feeling" is going to last for about two years, and you are going to be stuck raising a family with someone you have nothing in common with. In my experience, the people who abstained from sex got married way younger, and the first of them are already starting to get divorced. Sex is definitely important in a relationship, but at the end of the day its a primal, bodily urge. It should not be confused with the mentally challenging and exhausting task of forming a lasting partnership. In an ideal world, I would raise children (if I choose to have children) with my best friend, or in a community, and have lovers on the side. That seems much more practical than basing your life partner around sexual attraction. As far as these girl's isolation, their lack of "discernment, empathy, and patience," I think this is a symptom of our society at large, not just of sex "without attachment." I think it is great that these girls seem to have developed better self-confidence (although the feminist's wistful sighing at the end suggests otherwise.) It is so important that women learn to express their sexuality on their own terms. If they choose to abstain from sex until they find "the one," awesome. If they choose to have a ton of partners, good for them. They should be supported in their decision, and given the tools they need to make smart choices.